Another month, another time for me to vent my little heart out.
So this happened last night, but I didn’t get the chance to write about it until today. Every Wednesday, we have floor meetings in the residence hall I live in. It’s no secret to anyone on campus that my ex-roommate from my freshman year and I do not get along well. Things ended on bad terms, and there’s a weird tension when we’re in a room together. I’ve made it my mission to completely avoid her because I don’t need bad tension constantly around me. Well, last night she decided to join our weekly floor meeting, and I don’t think there was a single genuine smile on my face the entire time she was there. That tension was there, and I wasn’t a fan of it. I tried my absolute hardest not to look at her and focused all my attention on the person sitting directly in front of me (which was easy because the couch I was sitting on was angled away from her) and the clock design I was working on. I’m not still mad at her or anything like that; I’ve completely moved on from what happened and the fact that I lived with her my first semester in college. However, when someone proves to be toxic in my life like she definitely did, I try to keep the toxicity away from me, and that’s why I can’t deal with being in the same room as her and the tension that comes with it.
Lately, I’ve been having to wake up and tell myself, “There’s nothing wrong with your face?” You’re probably wondering why (I’m hoping so at least). It’s because for the past week and a half-ish, people will say “Hi” or smile at me or greet me, and when I respond or simply smile back, their face will turn down in disgust. It happened to me while I was walking down the stairs earlier to get dinner from the convenience store (don’t ask), and I literally knew who the girl was; she lives on my floor. It’s just something I’ve noticed that’s been happening to me recently, and I genuinely don’t know why. It hasn’t completely shattered my self-esteem or anything like that, but when I look in the mirror, I look the same; I’m just not sure why it’s happening.
For some reason, the days when I look like an overgrown, lazy potato are the days when people I see all the time decide to talk to me… especially the males. Yesterday and today, I have put absolutely no effort into my appearance. Like, my womanstache is almost in full bloom. My nails are chipping. I picked the first clothes I saw and kept it going. It’s been a little rough. On these rough days, people have talked to me and not only have I looked super potato-y and rough, but I’ve also screwed up my speech, which is nothing new. It’s just irritating because I could totally make a better first impression. Instead, I accidentally create a spit bubble in every conversation. Thinking about it, someone might as well write “I’M WEIRD” on my forehead, so the male species know not to approach.
Okay, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to share this story on here or not, but it’s honestly too funny and petty to keep to myself. It happened on October 11th. I was walking to my public speaking class, and there is a narrow sidewalk up a small, steep hill I was walking on. As I was going up the hill, jamming out to my music, I looked up and saw my ex-roommate, Devlin, and someone who was once our mutual friend, Rodie, walking my way. There’s still an annoying tension between us, and I didn’t want to feel that. Instead of walking by them like a normal person, I hopped off the sidewalk and jay-walked across the street, almost getting hit by a car. Then I continued walking up the hill and took a semi-long way around campus to ensure I wouldn’t run into them again. It’s one of those things where you just had to be there to witness my stupidity. The person walking behind me was probably like, “What the actual heck?”
This is not an embarrassing moment, forewarning. My emotions are extremely high (like a whole different level), and I needed to get this out. It’s 9:40 pm, and this happened exactly twenty minutes ago. On October 14th, I found out someone dear to my heart was no longer here. I’m always super emotional when someone I love and have amazing memories with passes away, but for some reason, it’s different this time. Cam had a bigger impact on my life than I thought, which I am beyond grateful for, but it makes dealing with the loss of him much harder. I tried to focus in school and seem like everything is okay, but at random points in the day, I broke down crying. Long story short, I’m taking this loss harder than I thought, and I’m struggling with letting myself grieve. Anyway, when I got back twenty minutes ago, Kate (my roommate) said hey, and I responded. Then she decided to say “Welcome back from the dead.” Now, I’m overwhelmed with sadness and anger. I told her that one of my friends passed away and how long it takes me to grieve, and two days later, those are the words she decides to say. I don’t know if this is the anger talking, but I’m starting to see that Kate and I simply have a roommateship, not a friendship. We can tolerate living with each other, but I think that’s it. I only have one class tomorrow, but I’m going to stay out of my room as long as I possibly can.
The most AAAHHH thing happened this morning. I was waiting for a relative to pick me up from my residence hall so we could go to church. Usually, she’s late, so I didn’t think much of it when she didn’t pick me up on time. Well, turns out, she was outside on time but didn’t have her phone to let me know like she normally does, so a random man (who lives in my building and goes to my school) comes back inside and says “Excuse me, are you Jamilah?” I kind of freaked out but kept a cool exterior. When I nodded, he let me know she was outside, and we both went outside at the same time. I was super uncomfortable and kind of laughed a lot; I don’t know the guy’s name, and I really hope I don’t see him around on campus. The whole thing was super weird and… uncomfortable.
Today has been such a good and bad day, and I really need to vent. For the good news, I got an email from YouTube this morning saying we reached 500 subscribers on my main channel, which made me ecstatic. I don’t know if it’s a glitch, but you definitely don’t see me complaining. It was a great start to my day; then things went south when I had to go to woodshop. We’re working on our project right now where we have to build clocks, and it has been such a frustrating journey. I got really upset in class and was overwhelmed with emotion, so I walked out. Yep, I walked out of class. I went to the bathroom and had a mental breakdown. Then I went back to class, got my stuff, and walked out (an hour and a halfish early) before having a horrible panic attack. I’m ready to turn in an incomplete project because this whole clock situation is incredibly annoying and not worth the stress and lack of sleep.
The awkwardness that is me was on full display tonight. Our residence hall does this thing where the faculty and staff’s kids come around and trick or treat. Last year I gave out candy, and this year I gave out candy. I was just as awkward this year as I was last year. I literally had no idea what to say to the kids that came by. They looked at me with wide eyes like I was the most fascinating thing in the world (which isn’t necessarily a bad thing), and I wordlessly and awkwardly shoved the bowl out in front of me, in hopes of the kids taking more than one. To make it even weirder, a faculty member I knew came by, and I completely butchered the simple task of small talk and simply said, “Have a Halloween!”
Speech class was kind of weird today. You see, I don’t know how to respond to people who are not kind… if that makes sense. Today we had to pick our order for the speeches we have to give in a couple of weeks (which I’m very nervous about), and the guy who sits behind me found out he had to give his last. I tried to be my version of positive and said, “At least you can end it with a bang!” He let out a weird grunt type sound and rolled his eyes. How do I respond to that?! I have no idea how to respond to rude people. Like, I’m sorry for trying to be positive and encouraging? I won’t do it again? Then there was someone else sitting at my table working on something for another class, and I asked, “What class is that for?” He didn’t hear me, and I felt kind of embarrassed and mainly awkward. I never know what to do when I speak to someone in public and am not heard, but everyone else can hear me. It’s always so weird.