My Very Public Diary: February 2019

March 1, 2019

It’s the shortest month of the year, which means less embarrassment. Right?

Feb. 4th

This was more awkward than embarrassing, but I’m not dwelling over it because it’s happened before. I was leaving class and saw someone looking around like he was lost. I offered a kind smile and kept walking. Before I could get to blasting my music, I heard him speak. I thought he was asking for directions, so I took my earbuds out and turned around to offer help. He just said, “Have a nice day.” I didn’t think anything of it. As I was walking out the door of the building, I noticed he had followed me. He asked my name and something else; I honestly couldn’t understand most of what he was saying because he had a thick accent. Then he asked for my phone number and said, “Maybe we could text sometime.” I said, “Naahh” and walked in a different direction. I walked around in a circle to avoid walking next to him and pretty much wasted fifteen minutes of my life.

Feb. 11th

I just… that’s all I got. I can’t believe this happened. My friend Vince and I had a kind of frustrating day and night, I guess you could say. He was definitely more frustrated than me. We were leaving class today, and in the midst of his frustration, he forgot to close one of the pockets on his backpack that has very nice art supplies in it. I was zipping it up for him, and a teacher I am not the fondest of (sometimes) walked out of his office. He said, “Uh oh. Is everything spilling out? Nothing like your girlfriend to zip it up and take care of it for you.” Vince is gay. I think we were both unsettled when he said that, and neither of us responded. I was too tongue-tied and upset to formulate a proper response that would deny his assumption without hurting Vince’s feelings. Yeah, I was pretty heated when he said that. It was so uncomfortable between us after that. I just…

Feb. 14th

It’s 12:33 pm on Valentine’s Day, and boy has it been an interesting one. Let me give you a bit of a back story. My senior year of high school, which was two years ago, I was in a competitive marketing club. Some members in the club, including me and my partner, made it to state, which was a weekend spent three hours away from Nashville. There was a guy in the group named Rotter, and he was crazy. Like, homeboy carried around a kitchen knife as a pocket knife. Rotter was/is a year younger than me. Well, over the course of the weekend we were away, Rotter developed a crush for me, and he wasn’t shy about it. He let everyone know, which was uncomfortable for me, especially since several other members of the club asked me about going out with Rotter. I rejected Rotter and tried my hardest not to speak to him after that weekend and even blocked him on Instagram. Well, two years later (meaning today), Rotter slid into my DMs with another Insta account he created. I would think I’d be forgotten after two years of not talking to (nor thinking about) him, but I guess not. When he DMed me, so many memories of that weekend came back, and I blocked him again. I just hope he doesn’t become super crazy after being rejected on multiple occasions. I might have to hire a bodyguard.

Feb. 15th

Something’s going on with me today, and I genuinely don’t know what it is. I am so dang emotional today; I think my tear glands need to release water. I know it’s not my period because it’s nowhere near around that time. I’ve been brought to tears several times today. I knew for a fact I had to give a tour today, but for some reason, when she told me I had to, I still managed to shed a tear. I, stupidly, used the excuse of having to give a tour tomorrow morning and Monday afternoon. It sounded like I was complaining, and I tried to cover it up; it didn’t work. People probably think I’m ungrateful or annoying or ridiculous for complaining, but I was just trying to cover up the unnecessary tears I was shedding. Then, my supervisor wrote down someone else’s name in place of my name for the tour I had to give (there’s a back story to that, but we won’t get into it), and I cried like immediately– in front of a group of prospective students. I didn’t mean to cry. It just kind of happened.

Feb. 18th

Today I learned a combination of a tired, irritated, sick, and frustrated Jamilah is not a beautiful combination. I just got out of class, and I am feeling an immense amount of regret. I said some very unkind things, and I regret them all, especially since they were about people who weren’t even there. I don’t want to be the mean black girl in class (since I am the only African American girl in my program), but saying the unkind things I said today didn’t help that. I don’t even remember most of what I said; it was all stupid and pointless and did nothing to better me nor my peers.

Feb. 21st

I decided to go to our cafeteria this morning for breakfast. I always go to the same food station and make small talk with the woman who is over that station, but she wasn’t there today. There was a guy behind the counter (and might I add, he was very easy on the eyes and looked to be about my age range). He looked at my shirt and said, “What makes you happy?” I was a little thrown off, so I responded with “Uhhh… food?” after looking down at the gravy he was putting on my biscuit. There was like a weird silent pause, and then he said, “You’re in the right place.” As I was getting up to leave, I realized he was reading my shirt, but my jacket covered up the first word; it reads “Do what makes you happy.” It was just overall very awkward small talk.

*Names have been changed for the sake of privacy

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