I hope April doesn’t bring any showers into my life… (was that corny? did that even make sense? i don’t know)
It’s 4:19 pm, and this is the most confused I’ve ever been about my friendships. Like, I know every friendship isn’t perfect, but this is just a whole different thing that confuses the heck out of me.
My heart is beating so fast. I was walking by the library with my earbuds in, as usual, and there was a girl walking my way. She was super beautiful, but she had the same build as my roommate from my freshman year, which low key scared me because I don’t like running into her. Anyway, the girl waved at me with a super kind smile. However, I didn’t know how to respond because A) I don’t know her and B) I didn’t know if she was waving at the people who were behind (because I hate waving at someone, and it getting really weird because they are waving at the people behind me). Since I didn’t know what to do, I half-smiled and whispered/mouthed “hey.” Then I turned around and realized there was no one behind me, and she was actually waving at me. I responded to her kindness in a weird way, and I feel so bad about it.
I’m pretty sure I developed a reputation for myself, and I don’t even think I’m mad about it. I haven’t slept in two days. Like, I think the most I’ve slept these past two days was 45 minutes. Knowing this, I probably shouldn’t have tried to cook a brand new recipe at 5 am for my presentation. It’s hard to explain the presentation (and the purpose of it), but just know I made food for it. Well, I should say attempted to make food for it in my sleep deprived state. Honestly, I’m surprised I’m functioning decently enough to write this. Anyway, I followed a recipe for Scalloped Potatoes… and the potatoes ended up being raw. Yep, I gave my classmates raw potatoes covered in cheese. I was initially embarrassed about it, but I kind of find it funny. Knowing my classmates, I am a little weary about whatever crap they are saying behind my back, because I know very well they talk some stuff about me when I’m not around (I’ve caught them). Anyway, I think I developed a not-amazing reputation about myself because I accidentally gave my classmates raw potatoes.
There is a feeling taking over my body, and I don’t know what it is? Guilt? Embarrassment? Dread? I always seem to end things with a BANG when it comes to saying goodbye to my fellow tour guides. Today we had interviews for upcoming tour guides, and I decided to do them with the guy friend I’ve made on campus (tbh: I don’t even know if “friend” is the right word to use; I kind of think we’re more like really good acquaintances; we only ever talk when it comes to tour guide stuff). Both of our interviews were super long and just super weird; there were definitely several moments when there was more dialogue between me and my acquaintance than the interviewee. The entire thing was just super weird, and we actually got in trouble for taking such a long time (which is kind of the guy acquaintance’s fault because he met the mini version of himself and got too excited). I just hope both of the interviewees don’t hate me. I’m just… I don’t know. I wish I could do it all over again.
Today I got yelled at in the parking lot in front of my residence hall, and it was the most embarrassing thing ever because people who saw me struggling to carry stuff out of my room were watching it all go down. I don’t want to get into too much detail about it because the guilty conscious in me that easily makes an appearance and the part of me that hates herself (which is a part of me I try to hide) can’t handle it right now. I just know it happened, and I almost cried.