My Very Public Diary: December 2019

December 31, 2019

December ends with bright spirits and happy souls, but the first two weeks are what college students like to describe as “hell.” During those first two weeks, I am my most sleep deprived and anxious about going home, which is the perfect recipe for me to humiliate myself.

December 4th:

It’s already happened. Four days into December, and I just embarrassed myself to the point where I’m consuming a hot dog at an unhealthy rate to calm my vastly beating heart. Since our student center is being renovated, to get to The Dining Hall on the top floor of the building, you have to go through the ballroom to get there. Well, I didn’t know there was an event in the ballroom, and I’m wearing heels with a really loud heel. I was going to turn around and go in the handicap entrance. Someone who knew me was right behind and encouraged me to just walk through. It turned into a bit of a curfuffle, to say the least, and she stood in the doorway as she told me to go through. I guess the people inside heard her because when I walked in, everyone was looking at me, including some of the people in the choir. The click clack of my heels bounced off the walls, and people continued to watch me as I walked through. It felt like I was doing the walk of shame; I want this night to end now.

December 5th:

Someone I work with at my scholarship job just called me cutie, and it was kind of weird. It wasn’t in a douche bag way and didn’t make me feel uncomfortable, especially since he’s my age; it was just kind of random and weird. I don’t know if it was an accident or not, especially since I look like this:

aka not cute

December 6th:

So… I guess I accidentally roasted the father of the family I gave a tour to today? Oops.
My fellow tour guide (slash friend slash soon-to-be graduate slash last month’s Hidden Gem) and I were showing the family a show room in a residence hall. The father talked about how housekeeping cleaned students’ bathrooms, and I said that we cleaned our own. About two minutes later, he mentioned something about it again. I don’t remember exactly what he said, but I, word for word, responded with “Well they’re teaching us how to adult.” I didn’t think much of it, but the father turned red with embarrassment. His wife was hysterical with laughter, and his son said, “Thank you for making my day.” I felt slightly guilty afterwards but more embarrassed than anything. My already unfiltered mouth lost the small filter it had.

December 8th:

I just had the weirdest conversation after church. Pretty much, an older, male church member told me I needed to have fun, and I said I had fun with my friends. He proceeded to say I needed a boyfriend to have a different kind of fun. He said I worked too hard and reiterated that I needed to find a good boy to have fun with. It was such an uncomfortable conversation, and I want it to fall out of my brain.

December 9th:

After a really bad day, I just accidentally lied to a couple of guys behind me in line. My university does a midnight pancake breakfast the first day of finals, and it’s supposed to be a big deal. Tonight was my first time going since this is my first semester being stuck on campus beyond the first day of finals. I stood behind a group of guys, and they asked me what they had. I answered based off of what I had seen, which was pancakes, ice cream, toppings, and hot cocoa. One of the guys asked if there was sausage or anything, and I said no because I hadn’t seen it. Well, I was wrong. Another one of the guys talked to someone he knew, found out we had sausage, and pretty much called me out for lying. The sausage was a make or break for if this guy was going to finish his essay in the library. The whole thing was weird and oddly embarrassing, and I felt bad for a solid three minutes.

December 13th:

I just fell again. I slipped on a slick ramp made of wood and coated in rain. Fortunately, no one laughed, and everyone showed concern. In fact, they all agreed not to tell anyone that I fell (and here I am telling the Internet). Still, it was super embarrassing.

December 23rd:

I kind of shot my shot (it was more of the second shot in the exchange; he shot the first shot; it’s hard to explain), but I haven’t gotten a response to my text. I’m trying really hard not to freak out, but I’M FREAKING OUT.

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