I always get a vibe for a year based on how the first few days go.
This year, instead of keeping my thoughts about how the year will go to myself, I figured I would share them with the Internet… like everyone does with Twitter, but there’s no limit to the amount of characters I can use.
I don’t know if “past people” makes sense, but they’re people from the past.
Anyway, I’m not ready for this, but I think it’ll make me stronger. Earlier in the year, I saw two people I used to work with, which wasn’t a problem. Then, a few people I haven’t talked to since high school started contacting me on social media, which I was definitely not prepared for. I think communication and potential confrontations with people from the past will make me stronger, but that doesn’t mean I’m ready for any of it.
Again, I don’t know if anything about that sentence made sense, but hopefully some aspect of it did.
Already this year, we’ve had mention of potential war, Australian bush fires caused by climate change/global warming/poor care of the planet, Nashville predators coach suddenly being fired (shocked some of us locals), Titans beating the Patriots in New England (shouldn’t have happened), and internationally known drama with the Royal family; that’s not even everything.
We’re not even halfway through January, and things have already gotten crazier than last year. There’s a good kind of crazy and a bad kind, and I hope we reach a phenomenally good kind of crazy as we progress through the new year. For once, I would like to turn the news on and see thirty minutes of good news.
I started the year off with less than a hundred dollars in my bank account. I start school in a little over a week and still haven’t paid for this semester.
Yep, we’re struggling financially again.
Maybe these financial struggles will teach me to say “no” when my friends want to go out. I can probably afford eating out a couple of times here and there but no shopping sprees, overnight out of town trips, and going to the movies every week.
Struggling financially will also help me get my budgeting skills together because those have been a work in progress for a while now.
By hustle, I mean work hard… not what they did in Hustlers.
Anyway, we’re only over a week into the new year, and I’ve already had several late nights trying to work on different things. Any time I’ve worked at my retail job, we’ve been busy. I’ve been staying on top of things that need to get done, such as the aforementioned paying for school (just waiting on a loan). By the way, this post being a day late does not count with the whole “staying of top of things.”
I usually work hard, but this year, I’m working harder than before. I know the hustle and grind will pay off next year, but first, I have to get through twenty twenty.
I live in this hoodie because it’s genuinely the softest thing I own– even after washing it twice.
Anyway, since I’ve received this hoodie in the mail, I’ve (sorta accidentally) sought discomfort… in my “love life.” I went on my first date ever… which resulted in being ghosted by a guy for the first time ever. Also, I’ve accidentally sent some risky texts (but not to the ghost).
Here’s the thing: in order for me to seek discomfort in my “love life,” I need to stop deflecting (I don’t know if I used that word correctly, but I’m using it based off the one time I heard it in a Brooke Bush vlog). When I start to develop genuine friendships with males, I become a giant jerk (deflect) and randomly say/text some super hurtful things. This leads to them getting ticked off and then telling me off, and then I lose a friend. The only males I don’t do this to are the gay ones. It sounds awful, but deflection saves me from potential heartbreak.
Part of the discomfort I’ve already sought and will continue to seek this year involves risking a broken heart.
Am I ready? No, but it’ll make me stronger and more trusting.
Exhibit A was mentioned earlier with the ghost, who I often refer to as Mr. Not-Smith (don’t ask why). Exhibit B happened earlier in the month when I had to work a full-time shift with someone who tries to get a rise out of me because she wants to see me get fired. Well, about an hour and a half into my shift, the problematic woman randomly left without returning, and my day instantly got better. The beautiful thing about this year, from what I’ve figured out with the symbolism, is I won’t have to do anything to get rid of the problematic/toxic people (unlike in the past); they’ll disappear on their own.
But a little less emotional compared to last year.
Any time I have to have a serious conversation about paying for school (or paying for anything) or my poor health, I cry a little.
When Awkwafina became the first woman of Asian decent to win a Golden Globe for Lead Actress in a Movie Comedy, I cried.
Needless to say, it’ll be another year of me shedding an unnecessary amount of tears, whether it’s over something juvenile like an actress I admire winning an award or serious like losing another close family member.
Based on the vibes I got about the year these past few days, twenty twenty is going to be a roller coaster, and I don’t know if I’m ready for it. Either way, I know it will be a wonderful year of growth and strength– both in my personal life and as a generation.
Featured image credit: Jamie Street