My Very Public Diary: March 2020

March 31, 2020

St. Patrick’s Day is this month; maybe I’ll get lucky and won’t have too many awkward bean moments.

March 2nd:

Do you ever try to be funny, but you end up talking too much and put your foot in your mouth? Then you don’t know what to do and feel uncomfortable because it happens in a room full of people? Then you start to think about all the other times you’ve put your foot in your mouth and can’t help but wonder if the people around you/the people it keeps happening with/in front of actually like you? Because that’s currently me right now, and I have to endure this uncomfortable feeling for 20 more minutes.

March 4th:

I’m tired of failing quizzes.
That’s all.
Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

March 7th:

When two braids fell out of my hair this morning, I should have known today would not be the most amazing day.
Gosh, open house days are the absolute worse, especially when you’re under unamazing leadership.
I had to go onstage and introduce myself, which was super uncomfortable, but the bad stuff happened away from the open house crowd of prospective students/families.
First off, I had a very public freak out because I received an email from my teacher about an essay not being turned in. Instead, she said I turned in a picture of two cats, and I don’t even have cats. I freaked out for a while (almost cried) and resubmited the essay two times while my tour group was in an information session. Turns out, she sent the email to everyone, but it was meant for one person who wasn’t me.
The morning got worse after that.
I effed up.
I effed up pretty badly.
I loudly (and unintentionally) exposed someone. I hate being that person.
My guilty conscious is eating me alive. She said we were cool, but I honestly want to disappear right now.
I feel super bad. I feel like poop.
I want the day to be over.

March 25th:

I sent this in a professional email.
Someone please take my keyboard.
Am I actually a college student?

March 30th:

Since switching to online classes, I haven’t scored above a 68 on anything, with my lowest grade being a 42. I know my GPA won’t matter going into the real world, but it matters for keeping my scholarship, especially since I have another school year of financial struggles ahead. Part of me wants to cry right now, but I keep remembering I won’t have to deal with the awful teachers, who don’t know how to teach and don’t know how to have an ounce of mercy in time of utter confusion, in one year. Gosh, I can’t wait to get my diploma and forget about the four years of constant confusion I’ve experienced.

March 31st:

I just gave a presentation in my online class and made everyone uncomfortable, and I’m honestly proud. I am the only minority in class, and my project is focused on helping African-American women dealing with depression. If I talk about anything dealing with minorities, everyone gets uncomfortable; I think it’s important to bring up uncomfortable subjects.

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