To My Small Crush

To My Small Crush:

I tend to develop small crushes based on first impressions. Compared to past minor crushes, you had the greatest first impression; my mind can’t seem to forget it.

Despite the quarantine and not seeing you in two months, I still think about you. There’s something about you that’s so great, and I really connected with some of the things you said when we were in a group setting.

Will this be long lasting? Will this work out? Not to be a negative Nancy, but we’ve only been in the same room three times and have only had two small conversations. My crushes die pretty hard when A) I get to know someone and realize our personalities don’t vibe the way I initially thought or B) I never get to know the person and… it’s just a lost cause type of situation.

I wonder what will happen.

You followed me on Instagram, and I thought there was hope… until I realized you follow a lot of people on Instagram. Then I started to feel insecure.

Fun fact: you’re the reason I don’t say much in the group chat. I can envision you hardcore judging me and expressing utter disgust when you read something I put in the group chat. Therefore, I’ve made myself the peeker; I read everyone’s messages and never give input.

After seeing you invite everyone in the group to hang out without me, the idea of you being disgusted with me grew. I felt like you don’t like me, which somehow didn’t obliterate my crush on you.

I just want to get to know you, and maybe that could eventually lead to a friendship? Maybe this small crush will die, and I won’t feel so nervous and awkward around you anymore.

Since we don’t really know each other, I can’t help but think you’ll forget about me, especially with the quarantine and us graduating at different times.

Gosh, I hate having crushes because they never work out for me.

Whether this works out or not, I still feel relieved. My bottled up feelings about you are out there; this was like a lovestruck therapy session.

-Jamilah

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