So, I decided to add something new to this blog, and here it is.
I am an extremely awkward, embarrassingly clumsy, unfortunately socially awkward person who doesn’t know how to blend in/be “normal” sometimes. Because I am so incredibly weird and awkward and unique, I figured I would share any and every potentially embarrassing and/or awkward thing that happens to me every month. Anything I need to immediately get off my chest, I will now add to what I like to call My Very Public Diary.
*I’m starting this month in the middle of the month because it was on this day, September 13, 2018, I came up with this idea. I needed to express my embarrassment in some way, and I figured writing about it would appease my embarrassment.
I don’t do well with stairs. Like, at all. Due to our student center being renovated, I have to walk up a very awkward staircase to get to our cafeteria, which we call The Marketplace. I don’t know the best way to describe the staircase beside awkward. It looks like you could go up two at a time because it feels like your feet fall when you go up one at a time. Well, I tried to go up two at a time and failed. My shoe kept getting stuck in the crack of the step I was trying to skip. I almost fell flat on my face twice. What makes this horrible is there were people behind me, witnessing the whole thing and not being quiet about witnessing the whole thing. I’ve gotten to the point in life where I can shrug off almost falling in public, but that’s not easy when people are openly talking about it.
Nothing super embarrassing happened today (well, it’s only 9:05pm; anything can happen), but the sales associate at Forever 21 said I had a really nice smile. It made my day, so I thought I’d share. Also, I finally got over an intense crush I had (but I tried not to make it obvious because we were friends; at least I thought we were); “Breakfast in Bed” by Ella Mai describes how I felt during the most intense moments of the crush, and “Anymore” by Ella Mai is how I feel now. I love when music perfectly expresses the emotions I feel. 🙂
I was so excited about today. I planned on wearing a really cute t-shirt I bought from Forever 21 for nine dollars, which didn’t happen because it started raining. When I walked outside, it stopped raining. Of course, that would happen to me. Anyway, what made today embarrassing was I had to shave my legs to wear the dress because my legs were going to be exposed. Well, I ended up wearing a different dress, but my legs were still exposed. I nipped myself when I was shaving and figured the bleeding had stopped. I was so wrong. However, I didn’t know I was still bleeding because I didn’t feel it. I got to my 1:40pm class and inspected my legs to see if I needed to reapply lotion. Well, I found large, obvious spots of dry blood (but I wasn’t ashy, which was a good thing). I wanted to melt into the wall. I walked around for half the day with dry blood on the back of my legs that I’m sure was easy to see, and no one said anything. What a wonderful world we live in.
Honestly, sometimes I just need to shut up; like, once my mouth gets going, it doesn’t stop, and sometimes I say too much. That happened today when I was talking to a freshman about the interior architecture program. I had good intentions, but I went to my next class and started feeling guilty, which is what usually happens when I put my foot in my mouth. I thought I gave him the impression that the program isn’t as fun as it’s made out to be, which is far from the truth. To make my guilt worse, he introduced himself to me, and I didn’t introduce myself back. I think I facepalmed a solid twenty times after that. It was such a horrible first impression. About an hour after my class ended, I went back into the room he was in and apologized, which eased some of my guilt… until someone called me out for trying to scare the freshmen. That made some of my guilt come back, and I started to feel horrible again, which I don’t think showed. Time passed, and I found out he was from the same area of Tennessee as me, which appeased my guilt once again. However, it was kind of awkward because we were loudly having a conversation about our high schools in front of a group of people. I don’t know what he was feeling, but I felt awkward and judged.
Why am I so socially awkward? Like, why? I literally returned my friend’s broom and kept telling her to feel better and smile (because she’s sick). She nodded as she shut the door, and I just kept rambling without saying anything intelligent. Afterward, I kept cringing. Like, why couldn’t I just say thank you for letting me use the broom? Why did I have to make it awkward?
Today I learned to put effort into my appearance even when I don’t feel like it because I could run into a really great guy. I woke up to go to church but did the bare minimum with my appearance because I was in a bit of a daze when I woke up; I slept really good last night. Anyway, I didn’t shave my armpits because I figured if I didn’t raise my arms, everything would be okay. Well, I also did nothing with my hair, forgot to moisturize my face, and licked off all my chapstick before it had the chance to moisturize my lips. To make it even better, the shoes I was wearing were torn up, and my ear was slightly swollen for a reason I have yet to discover. Anyway, I went to church, hoping to blend in and go in and out without being noticed by too many people. Well, I was doing good… until I was introduced to a guy that goes to my school. We had a brief, basic conversation, and during that conversation, I discovered two things: A) he was a really sweet, amazing man (based off the brief conversation we had) and B) I was talking to the really wonderful gentleman with the crustiest chapped lips I’ve ever had. Then some time passed, and I started picking with one of my pimples because I felt insecure; I made eye contact with him while I was picking at my pimple. I didn’t look at him after that because I wanted to drown in the potato soup I was eating. Long story short, I embarrassed myself in front of a potentially amazing guy, who could’ve become my friend, with my appearance and bad habits.
Do you ever coast through a day without really being there and then wake up the next day and all the memories from the previous day come back, and you’re like “what the heck did I do?” Well, that’s me. It’s 8:13 am; I woke up at 7:42 am, and all those memories and regrettable moments are flooding back to my head. I had a “meeting” last night, which ended up being my roommate, me, and the roommate of my sexually active neighbor talking for two and a half hours. Of course, I said some stupid things, which is nothing new. My roommate Kate talks a lot, like, A LOT (she was the main one talking for those two and a half hours), and the regrettable moment came when Kate told the guy we were hanging out with about my YouTube channel. I flipped. I threw everything around me to get her to stop talking (which was just my ID, cell phone, and plastic Tupperware I borrowed from a floormate). I got upset because A) I told her earlier that day I didn’t want people to know about my YouTube channel (and she told Jack, the guy we were with), which leads to B) I didn’t want to be judged. After a day of being openly judged and negatively talked about because of the dress I was wearing and felt confident in (pictured right; ignore the face I’m making), I didn’t want to be judged for my YouTube channel. To make the moment even worse, Kate said, “It’s not even that great” and told Jack not to watch. In my head, I was like wooooooow, and my feelings were kind of hurt. Even though I’m making content I love, I know the quality isn’t as amazing as others, but some positivity and encouragement would’ve been nice… or just not bringing it up at all.
I just got back from giving a campus tour, and the entire thing was kind of crazy and cringeworthy. There were a couple of moments that were kind of… weird. First off, as a mentor, my job was to simply watch my mentee practice giving a campus tour. However, the parents kept asking me questions, and I hope she didn’t think they were disrespectful; I feel really bad about that. At some point during the tour, I got some weird gunk on my lips. You know how when you’re wearing chapstick or any lip product and you talk a lot and a white line forms on your lips? Well, that happened, and I talked to people with that line showing, which was kind of embarrassing. Then I saw someone I know, a simple male acquaintance, and the father of the group came from behind (because he stopped to look at something) and said something about me knowing him. Then he said, and I quote, “He had a lingering smile.” (talking about my male acquaintance). Not only did he say that, but he also demonstrated. I wanted to bury my head in my hands and hide from the world. When the tour was over, I was putting away my name badge where it’s supposed to go, and there happens to be a copier in there. The copier turned on when I walked by it and lowkey scared me. One of the other tour guides and I had kind of an intense conversation about motion sensor copiers and lights, which was pretty much her proving me wrong about everything and making me feel/sound stupid. The whole thing was just a whirlwind, not to mention I accidentally almost called out another tour guide and several people yelled “Go Bucs!” as they passed us. I’m so happy it’s over so I can forget about it.