Jamilah

This Is The Most Confident I’ve Ever Been

November 25, 2018

For some odd reason, unannounced to me, several people have openly judged me this semester, and for another odd reason, I haven’t felt self-conscious.

Something clicked over the summer, and I don’t know what it was.

Before this semester started, whenever someone judged me, whether it was open or not, I felt incredibly self-conscious. I started questioning myself and thinking along the lines of “Is it my nose? What’s wrong with my hair? Is there something on my shirt? Was it something I said?” yadda yadda yadda. A thousand thoughts run through my head, and my insecurities start to show big time. Sometimes, I would cry and would do what I thought was necessary to change myself. I felt like trash, not only physically but mentally.

However, this semester, my confidence is in full volume, which is surprising because I have experienced so much adversity and so many attacks on my mental health this semester. Anything and everything bad that could happen to someone has happened to me, yet I haven’t let the adversity and challenges and trials kill my confidence like it would’ve in the past. I am so happy a little switch turned on because I love being confident. Negative comments, judging stares, not quiet whispers don’t really bother me anymore. It’s such a weird but wonderful feeling.

Everything society would consider a physical flaw and have some sort of formula or surgery to fix, I am confident and comfortable with.

I don’t wear makeup, except the occasional mascara and kind of brushing my eyebrows if I’m up for it. My eyelashes go in every direction except up, so it looks like I don’t have eyelashes most of the time. My nose is wide and always dry; there’s also a line on my nose. I get a lot of pimples and very noticeable acne scars. My lips can’t stay moisturized for anything, especially with the temperature dropping. The hairs above my lip, or what I like to call “my womanstache”, don’t seem to stop growing, so it always looks like there’s a little stache action happening. I am in desperate need of a haircut because my hair, for some reason, doesn’t know how to grow evenly; some parts are kind of short and matted, while others are long and make me look like Alfalfa. My under eye bags get more intense the more I stay on this college campus. I don’t shave my arms. I hate shaving my legs, which are “strawberry legs” might I add. My teeth need to be cleaned, but my hygienist is booked to the max (good for her). My left ear used to have a cartilage piercing, which didn’t close properly, so it just looks all kinds of weird. My hands are huge, and I have an easier time finding shoes my size in the men’s section than the women’s section. Sometimes my neck and shoulders don’t know how to coordinate with the rest of my body, and I struggle with walking because my knees pop out of place all the freaking time. This is just the beginning.

Every single thing listed above is what people have said about me to bring me down, and every single thing listed above is what I love about myself. I have so much love for myself, and no one is going to take that from me.

Everything listed above also used to make me self-conscious, but once I accepted them, the love for myself grew even more, which I didn’t even know was possible. With the increased self-love came an insane amount of confidence.

I am confident in my appearance.
I am confident in my abilities.
I am confident in the work I am doing.
I am confident in everything about myself.

This is a girl oozing confidence:

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