Jamilah

Visualizing What I Want In My Life

January 25, 2019

Two blog posts in one day? Whaaaaat?

Here’s why: I’m drowning in my thoughts, and I need to rescue myself; talking (or in this case, writing) helps me. There’s no one to talk to face-to-face (Facetime won’t even cut it), so I figured I’d turn to the Internet.

I am so incredibly lost right now, as I’ve mentioned before… I think. I don’t know my place at the moment; I don’t feel like it’s on-campus nor in Nashville. I don’t have many people to hang out with, besides the people on the Internet I’ve never met. I don’t even know my place in my major; everyone has a strong suit, but I don’t know what mine is when it comes to interior architecture. I genuinely don’t know what’s going on; I hate it, but I have to accept it.

The only thing I know is what I want my life to eventually be like… or have… whatever the correct term is.

Honestly, this is just me conjuring up and fantasizing about the future I want to have. There’s honestly not much, but sometimes it feels like the few things I do fantasize about are forever away or will never happen. I just need to be patient and find something to appease me until this time of confusion is over.

Moving on.

I want…

…a small group of close friends I can forever count on. Group meaning more than one; this is not an attack on the singular close friend I already have. I just think it would be so cool to have a group of people I’m so well connected with; you know what I mean? I saw this tweet on Twitter, and (just like every other tweet I’m going to use in this post) I related hardcore. I think it’s both insane and beautiful when a tweet or Instagram post or any post on social media can perfectly describe my thoughts or where I am in life. Anyway, this tweet captures the future I fantasize about with the desired group of close friends; it puts it in better words than I ever could (I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m not the greatest at relaying my thoughts… even to the Internet).

I can literally see it — all the spontaneous group trips, whether it be Walgreens because someone needs lotion or Coney Island in New York to prove to one member of the group that Coney Island is still a thing. Every time I watch Paper Towns, I thrive for the same feeling they got taking a road trip to New York so Q could go after the love of his life; that’s honestly my favorite part of the movie.

It would be even better if I had someone in the group like this:

I genuinely want this in my life, and I can visually see it happening, which is so crazy to me. It’s like there’s a movie playing in my mind, and the film premiering is me having the time of my life with my group of close friends.

…to influence with my words. When I think about it, it’s kind of crazy that I was able to give a speech at graduation and talk in front of a crowd for thirty minutes about surrounding yourself with good people. I want to do more of that. My blog is essentially me typing everything I want to say, but I want to get on a stage one day and speak. I want to be the guest speaker at an event where the audience is hanging onto every word I say. I want to meet someone who would walk away from that event, and it would have some sort of positive effect on his or her life. I want to eventually host my own event where other people who want to have some sort of positive influence can speak and inspire. That would be such a monumental moment in my life, and I can literally see it happening; it’s like another movie constantly playing in my head. I can even sort of see what I’m wearing at the aforementioned event.

…a life partner. Some call him a husband, and others call him a best friend (whoever “him” is for everyone). *By the way, you could easily replace “him” and “husband” with “her” and “wife”; in my case, I’m sticking with “him” and “husband”*. Anyway, I call him a life partner, which includes the other two. I saw a tweet (again) that, honestly, made me realize this is something I want more than I knew I wanted… if that makes any sense.

I’m one of those people who believes when you know, you know. If there’s any hesitancy, say adios.

After a long day, I can see myself giving him a hug and us chilling on the couch and me resting my head on his firm but pillow-like shoulder (because I looooove resting on people’s shoulders, with their consent of course) and accidentally falling asleep.
*sighs and begins to think about a shoulder to sleep on*
Knowing the imperfections of every relationship, I can even see myself saying “I love you” when I’m pissed at him but still mean it. It takes a lot to make me genuinely angry, but when the time arises where he does something to get me to that point, I won’t ever let my anger get in the way of my love for him. The only thing I can’t see is who he is, which is perfectly fine with me because I already have enough going on at the moment. It just blows my mind that I can vividly visually see what I want to happen in my life.

There are many other things I want in life, such as traveling and dining at restaurants I’ve never been to before, but these three have been on my mind heavy lately.

While these wants run through my mind at the little movie theater in my head, I try to remember good things take time (and these are all good things). When I begin to visualize these things, that’s all that goes through my mind for a while, and I just want to talk to someone about them.

Do you ever want something for yourself, or for someone else, so bad that you start to visually see it and think about it nonstop? Like, there’s a beautiful film playing on repeat in your mind? I would love to hear about it.

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