My Very Public Diary

My Very Public Diary: March 2019

April 1, 2019

I think I’m too busy to humiliate myself.

March 4th

Do you ever, like, purposely avoid someone because you ended on weird terms, and you don’t want to deal with the repercussions of that? Then you imagine the time you accidentally run into that person, and you imagine yourself stunning them so hard their jaw drops? Well, that was me. At least, that was my goal when I saw someone I had been avoiding the entire year, but it didn’t quite happen like that. I dropped my I.D. while walking into my campus’ gym, and when I got up, about forty seconds later, he said, “Oh hey Jamilah. How’s it going?” Mind you, it’s 31 degrees outside but feels like 25 with the wind chill. I’m not wearing appropriate shoes, so my feet are numb; I was not walking like a normal human. Also, I was out of breath from speed walking, and bending over quickly gave me slight whiplash. Needless to say, I didn’t stun. Instead, I took a long pause, accidentally rolled my eyes, and said, “I’m greeeat” in a high-pitched voice.

March 8th

Random thought: sometimes I’m mean on accident. Like, I don’t mean to be, but sometimes the way I say things makes me sound mean unintentionally. Also, I struggled to open an easy door, and the girl on the other side watched me. Needless to say, I kinda got laughed at, so I laughed with her to make me feel good about myself.

March 24th

This isn’t an embarrassing moment. I was just kind of flabbergasted when this happened; now I think about it and laugh. Last semester, I almost got hit by a gray Mustang with a yellow Virginia license plate and three stickers on the back window that represented my school. I never forget the cars that almost hit me in case it actually happens and I survive the hit and have to describe the car to the police because the person drove off; it’s a whole thing. Anyway, I was at church today; it’s a church I had only been to once before. A guy came in a couple minutes after service started; he looked to be close to my age. Throughout the hour and a half service, and even a few minutes after, we made eye contact a few times; it got slightly intense at one point (at least to me it did). He walked out of the building before I did. When I walked out, he drove by in his car, which was a gray Mustang. When he turned the corner and I saw his license plate, I realized HE WAS THE GUY WHO ALMOST HIT ME!

March 25th

Last night I watched this video,

and I thought it was amazing. It was the sex ed lesson I needed but never got. This isn’t an embarrassing moment or anything like that. I wanted to share this on here in case YouTube decided to take it down; plus, I’m putting it here for my future self. I think it’ll benefit a lot of girls who are confused about their sexuality/anything related to sex and will provide the sex ed lesson a lot of girls probably didn’t get.

March 27th

I said I wouldn’t do it, and I did. I either succumbed to my hormones or peer pressure, and I partook in making some unnecessary, sly comments during a meeting I just had. I don’t know who heard it. I don’t know how many people don’t like me now because of the conversations I partook in. I am thinking the absolute worst about the repercussions, and I wish my brain would stop. *sigh*

March 28th

Do you ever just want everyone to get along, but you know it’s not going to happen, and you end up feeling like absolute trash because you think you’re the problem? That sentence is not correctly written but perfectly describes me right now. I don’t know how to explain it, but I am on the verge of tears right now. I know everyone won’t like me, but I feel so hated right now. I hate feeling like I am the cause of everyone’s problems, and if I disappeared, everything would be okay. I’m not going to disappear, but it’s just the feeling. You know? Ugh. Why am I like this? I am literally on the verge of tears. On top of all that, I have a giant pimple on my forehead from the night I ate The Tonight Dough Ben & Jerry’s ice cream because I was so caught up in my head.

March 30th

Today was a pretty rough day; I was a victim of a very inappropriate and hurtful comment. I for sure cried because it hurt my heart, but I learned something today: my true friends. I realized who the people are that really have my back, and I am so grateful for them and their supportive words. Even before the statement was said, I was having a mini panic attack/emotional breakdown, and a couple of them talked me off a ledge; one amazing friend constantly gave me the hugs I needed. It feels amazing knowing there are people who have my back. On the other hand, I realized the people who are not ride-or-dies, who will not fight on my behalf, who probably don’t have my back. For example, I only hear from one person when she needs help with one particular thing. Another person (not sure if the term “friend” is right here) was there when I talked about what went down with the statement situation (this sounds so vague). Instead of taking it seriously or providing any sort of encouragement, I think he tried to lighten the mood and made a couple of jokes. I semi-appreciate the effort to lighten the mood, but it wasn’t the time; I needed an encouraging shoulder to rely on, not a comedian. With this particular person, it’s not the first time it’s happened, so I’m always confused.

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