My Very Public Diary: May 2019

June 2, 2019

First month of summer break when I’m back in Nashville. What could possibly go wrong?

May 3rd

I’ve only been in town for 24 hours and have already had to endure the boyfriend conversation. I guess it’s going to be a long summer of “Are you dating anyone?”, “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?”, “You would have a boyfriend if…” etc.

May 12th

I kind of want to scream right now. My anxiety is kind of through the roof. I want to cry right now, and I don’t know if it’s because of discomfort? confusion? anxiety? possibly fear? Today is Mother’s Day in the United States, and Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are kind of hard for me. To be honest, I don’t have the strongest relationship with either, especially my mother. It’s always kind of weird/awkward with my dad because a relationship is being established, but I’m growing up and adulting; he missed out on my childhood. It’s just… it’s so weird and complicated, and this is one of those moments where I genuinely don’t know where I belong in my family. This is one of those moments where I feel like an outcast, like I’m having an out of body experience and watching a stranger try to fit in with a family. It’s looking like one of those nights where I cry myself to sleep.

May 16th

I am on the verge of sitting in a corner and bawling my eyes out. Why? 1. Because I just got called antisocial, even though I’m not. 2. Someone brought up my Instagram account, and any time that happens, I want to either throw up or cry. It’s even worse when I’m criticized for what I put on there. 3. I was, once again, an outcast at a social event. This time, it was among church folks. When it comes to social settings, I don’t have a place most of the time. I’m always excited to come back to Nashville from school; then once I get here, I realize what an outsider I am. The feeling came a lot quicker this summer than last summer. My social anxiety and lack of social skills don’t help.

May 22nd

This is not an embarrassing moment or awkward situation or anything like that. I watched The Sun Is Also a Star today. As much as I love Yara Shahidi and Charles Melton, I have to say: What the heck was that?

May 26th

Today is Sunday, and I went to church. It was one of those Sundays where I felt the judgement from light years away. Firstly, my shoes made me a lot taller than I normally am. They’re just platforms!! Secondly, I didn’t wear a bra; I thought we were past the point of judging women who decide not to wear a bra in public. I literally had nipple covers on, so it’s not like you could see those. I caught several people glancing down and realizing I wasn’t wearing a bra before returning their eyes to mine and openly judging me. I’m trying really hard not to let it bring me down. Here’s what I looked like:

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