Porter Williams

July 15, 2019

If your name is Porter Williams or you know a Porter Williams, I am so sorry. This blog post is not about you; it’s about my faux engagement. I got the name “Porter Williams” from a sign I saw at work that said “Porter Cable.” If you share the same name as my fake fiance, it is purely coincidental.

Here’s the story of my fake engagement.

I bought the ring (pictured above) on the cruise I went on, Carnival Elation, for $19.50. It’s not a real diamond; it’s a CZ ring (I can’t pronounce nor spell what “CZ” stands for).

When I saw it, I decided it would pass for an engagement ring. The initial reason for the purchase was so boys wouldn’t talk to me for the duration of the cruise. I don’t like meeting potential boyfriends when I’m on week-long trips; there is a huge chance I would never see that person ever again, and if there isn’t an established strong connection, I don’t think I would be great at a long distance relationship. Anyway, wearing the ring on my left ring finger worked; although, I’m not sure if they stayed away because of the ring or my personality, but I did see a couple of guys on the boat look at my hand before thinking about talking to me.

Before going on the boat, pretty much everyone I talk to (even my coworkers) said, “What if you find a man?” I thought that would’ve been cool. Then, on the boat, I went to the singles mixer that didn’t happen and took that as a sign. I was re-grounded when that event didn’t happen and was reminded of my values when it came to romantic relationships. I’m very big on developing some sort of connection or friendship before hopping into a relationship, and I don’t think the connection I seek will be established on a 5-day cruise that is meant to be a family vacation. There are a few people who are egging me on to get in a relationship, but I enjoy waking up in my queen-sized bed by myself. Why do you think there’s a size called “queen?” It’s literally fit for a queen.

That was a little cheesy.


I decided to wear the ring as an engagement ring at work this entire last week to see if I could trick any customers into thinking I was engaged, and I actually got quite a few of them.

The first customer to say anything was a beautiful brunette with short hair and a black blouse (don’t ask why I remember the color of her blouse; I don’t have an answer). Anyway, she said, “What a beautiful ring. He did a great job.”

That same day, another customer saw me yawn, and after he looked down at my ring, he said, “He must be keeping you up late at night.” I didn’t know how to respond to that one, so I awkwardly laughed before yawning again.

After this weird interaction, Porter Williams was born.

One man in a blue button down simply pointed to the ring and said, “He did good.”

A couple of days ago, I had a brief conversation with a gorgeous woman about the ring. It was a little awkward because… well, I’m me (and I was super freaking sick and was concentrating on not barfing all over the place). The conversation went a little something like this:

HER: How long have you had your ring?
ME: About one month
HER: (looking at me with disbelief) Wow, and it’s still sparkling
Example of it “sparkling”:

ME: Yeahhhh
HER: (awkwardly) Well… congratulations. He did a good job.
ME: (giggles as I hold her receipt because I want the conversation to be over)

I planned on not wearing the ring to work anymore, but then I realized I have an act to keep up. So for the rest of the summer, I am engaged to my imaginary fiance, Porter Williams.

We’re very happy together.

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