Let me preface this by saying I love my body.
I love who I am as a person.
I appreciate being single.
However, I sometimes feel unworthy, even though I know I shouldn’t, and this is one of those moments.
Just hear me out.
I was going to categorize this as a Simple Rant, but this is more me being open and vulnerable than ranting about something that pushes my buttons.
When I’m writing this, it’s the second day of Black Church Week in Ridgecrest/Black Mountain, North Carolina. I’m alone in our room, and after watching a sneak peek of a new episode of grownish, I took a deep dive into my feelings.
There is an annoying voice in the back of my head that says my 20s and 30s will fly by, and I will be alone. I don’t know where the voice came from, but it’s here.
I, for some reason, do not feel worthy enough to be in a relationship, and I don’t know why.
Is it because I haven’t kissed anyone yet?
Is it because my body doesn’t fill any male’s sexual desires?
Is it because I’m kind of all over the place and don’t know which aspect of my personality will show?
Is it because me talking is an absolute train wreck?
There are some nice looking guys walking around this campus, and when they come to mind, I can’t help but think I’m not worthy of simply having a conversation with them. Maybe that’s why I’ve pretty much hung out with my preteen cousin?
Writing this brings back the memory of just yesterday when my cousin was shocked to find out I was still a virgin. I am definitely waiting until marriage, but I don’t even feel worthy enough to be someone’s wife; I hate this feeling.
How many times can I use the word “worthy” in a blog post?
Not gonna lie, I’m a little teary-eyed right now. I’m trying to mentally convince myself that there is a man out there looking for me, but it’s not my time to meet him yet. I’m doing what I can to get rid of this feeling because now my brain is being plagued with thoughts about how ridiculous it is to feel unworthy for not receiving male attention.
It may be ridiculous, and it’s probably inappropriate to be having these thoughts at a church camp. However, this is what I’m feeling, and I’ve learned that my feelings, whatever they are, are valid.