September 19, 2019

I’m very disappointed with myself.

Disappointment is never a fun thing. Hearing a parent say he/she is disappointed in you is worse than getting grounded.

But you know what’s worse than your parents being disappointed in you?

Disappointing yourself because you have to live with it.

I’ve made my bed, and now I have to lay in it.

My previous blog post was an episode of Simply Special, and it was about college and how I’m just not having a good time overall. I thought talking about it would make it better.

Boy, was I wrong.

Last night, I had an assignment due for my Writing for Radio/TV/Film class, my favorite class this semester, and I half-assed the crap out of it. In fact, I turned it in without finishing it, knowing I had time to finish it.

At first, I was mad at myself for turning in an incomplete assignment, which was incomplete simply because I couldn’t find the motivation to continue working on it. Then I became disappointed with myself, and the more disappointed I felt, the more memories from the past few days came up; the disappointment grew with each memory.

Monday, I had an hour in class to work on an assignment and wasted that hour by walking around the building and eating snacks. I straight up skipped my only class on Tuesday, which I talk about during the aforementioned episode of Simply Special. Two weeks ago, I only turned in half the sketches that were due.

I know I’m not having a good time, and I know there is currently nothing to motivate me to pursue the education I’m receiving. Still, I should be trying my hardest and at least faking like I’m having a good time.

After I was overcome with intense disappointment last night, I prayed. I pray every single day, but this was the kind of staring-at-the-ceiling-and-having-a-conversation prayer.

Half-assing a writing assignment for my favorite class, which is online, was the breaking point for me, and I know I need to get it together, especially since I’m trying to throw working a part-time job into the already overflowing mix.

It’s time to bounce back and accept the crappy grades I’m going to get. I’m done disappointing myself.

Featured image credit: NeONBRAND

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