To the Brother I’ve Abandoned

To the Brother I’ve Abandoned:

This is a hard one to write, especially since I didn’t realize I’ve abandoned you until I saw you on our aunt’s insta page and noticed how tall you’ve gotten. I missed it.

I’ve missed out on every milestone after you started fourth grade and probably won’t be there for another one until you graduate from high school.

Please believe me when I say I’m sorry. I am truly, genuinely sorry.

I’ve let a bad relationship with our mother get in the way of the relationship we had/could have.

This may sound horrible, but sometimes I find it hard to look at you because you remind me of two people– the two people who completely played a part in my messed up childhood. There’s a lot of mental damage, and hopefully I’ll be able to tell you about it one day. Hopefully we’ll talk in the future, despite everything, because even though half of you is genetically related to me, I still think of you and love you as my brother.

I remember those times I would watch/babysit you for long periods of time that you would accidentally call me “Mama.” It should never be that way. My role in your life should never be on that level, never bigger than the annoying big sister. I’m not sure if it’s because I overstepped or because I babysat you so much that it was genuinely confusing. Honestly, sometimes I felt like I deserved that title; if that didn’t work, maybe “nanny” or something.

Like everyone in the world, I don’t know what the future has in store, but I hope, when the time is right, you’ll let me back in your life again.

I love you.

-Jamilah

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