May 1, 2021

*This is a combination of a small notebook entry and audio transcription (both taken on May 1st) from a quick trip to Destin, Florida.


Here’s the thing about graduation: motivation does not exist.

Where is she? I can’t find her. I’m so lost without her that I’m content with simply walking across a stage without receiving my diploma.

Even though I’m $32k below the belt (?) in student loans, I am so content with failing and struggling financially. I’m content with death, and I apparently shouldn’t be (hi, to my therapist). I am content with a lot of things I probably shouldn’t be.

I’m ready to get back out there. I’m ready for… I don’t know… something different.


Graduation is among us, and I don’t really know if I’m going to graduate, to be honest, because I’m sitting on a beach in Florida and haven’t done shit for a presentation due in two days. Even if I don’t graduate, I get to walk across the stage, and I get a year to save up the funds to retake a couple of classes, if not one. It would suck, but it’s inevitable. I appreciate my teacher for giving me an extension.

The only person to blame for my failure is myself because I am no longer motivated, and I am confused about life and my overall existence.

I just wanna live, ya know? I well and truly just want to live and see the world and travel and exist. I’m kind of over school. I’m kind of over what life currently has to offer.

I haven’t technically started therapy yet so the question of my existence, the question that is constantly on my mind is: what the hell am I doing here?

This weekend has shown me that.

Although I had a very, very, very fun time– and I deeply love my family– I only knew three people, and those were the people related to me. Of course, I knew the bride, but that only gets me so far. It’s so weird how the best person in the world can come from a very… weird family. It’s kind of crazy.

Anyway, back to me sitting on a beach by myself. I am not freaking out about finishing my presentation, and I am not freaking out about graduating. I am just freaking out about merely existing and not knowing why I’m existing and not knowing why I have survived anything and not knowing why I struggle the way I struggle. Of course part of it is mental health, and the other part of it is literally being in a world that doesn’t accept me because of the color of my skin.

*insert windy audio of me freaking out about seeing a dolphin while I poorly try to capture a picture of the dolphin*

Um, I am just genuinely, genuinely confused. Not really understanding why anything is what it is, in my life at least.

Not really freaking out, again, about what’s happening around me but more of just freaking out about why I simply exist because I feel like I’m constantly fucking up.

So again, I ask, what the hell am I doing here?

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