I Spent My Weekend Crying

Kid you not, I spent every hour this past weekend crying my eyes out. I cried while I was at work, which was easy since it’s post-holiday season and not very busy. While I was supposed to be asleep, I cried and got little to no sleep. Any sleep I got was consumed by taunting nightmares.

As I’m writing this, I’m getting teary-eyed. For the sake of being authentic and documenting both the good & bad memories, I press on to write this.

Currently, I am a sad mess and consistently on the verge of tears with every bout of silence that happens around me. I am entering the demeaning side of my brain way too quickly, and there are three reasons for me wanting to bawl in a corner like a baby.

First, most of my tears have stemmed from family stuff related to COVID (fortunately, no one has passed away). For the sake of my family being upset about our personal business being put on the internet, I will not go into too much detail.

To keep it brief: I am confused and questioning my place.

Secondly (a more random reason), I’ve been talking to someone I could see as my bestie for the restie (yeah, I cringed too). We’ve already established ourselves as friends, but it’s a weird friendship. I’m happy in the friendship, but I crave more.

Since I’ve not physically seen this person for a while, I’ve begun really diving deep into our friendship and the newness of it, the uncertainty of it. While I’ve been overthinking and deep diving, I’ve learned there are things that I need from this friendship, and I’m not getting them. I don’t know how to approach the conversation, which is shocking since I’m so straightforward most of the time.

There’s a song that’s about to get overplayed on the radio called “Better Days” (by NEIKED, Mae Muller, Polo G). As soon as I hear the opening lines “I’ve been feelin’ lonely / I need someone to hold me” I immediately think of this person and our friendship. It is such a dance pop song, but because it reminds me of this slightly confusing friendship (confusing in the sense that I often feel the desire to pull back because I think I’m being too much for them), I cry. Sometimes it’s a single silent tear, and sometimes I’m sniffling and trying to gain my composure to walk into work.

Lastly, I did what most children under the age of ten would do and accidentally gave myself bangs. Except, my haircut happened while I was taking out my weave, and it’s only on one side of the front of my head and a random spot in the middle (I get teary-eyed every time I touch that spot).

For the first time in the new year (because I’m sure it’ll happen more throughout the year), I feel one-hundred percent physically unattractive. I look in the mirror and think about how atrocious I am to the human eye.

Besides my choppy accidental haircut, I am losing muscle and maybe gaining weight. I don’t weigh myself to keep from feeling insecure about my body shape, but I’m still here and insecure. There are meteor sized acne scars on my face; one is a full on scab, and since it’s right below my eye, a mask won’t cover it. I also have a puss-producing rook piercing, which I can only blame on its healing process since it’s so new; I wanted to feel some sort of pain before 2021 ended and got my rook pierced.

Anyway…

These three occurrences have contributed to the blimp in my self-love journey. Progress in life is not linear, as my therapist loves to say, so I’m currently on a downward trek in hopes of rising higher once again.

Trials, tribulations, and intense emotional breakdowns are a part of life.

about the author

Jamilah is a college graduate in her early twenties who has no idea what she's doing with her life. All she knows is that she wants to live and learn and love herself.

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