Two weeks ago, a new friend of mine talked about the potential of making new friends in his classes, and I had to escape the conversation and run to the bathroom before I started hyperventilating on the grout aisle.

While trying to suppress a panic attack, I realized my anxiety was not doing well with the idea of my new friends making new friends.

Back in August, I was so scared and weary about making new friends at my new job; my fear of them leaving me and rejecting me was at its peak. I didn’t get my anxiety to settle down until mid-October. Still, there are moments when I freak out about them leaving me, especially with conditions at work getting more ridiculous.

Now that my new friends are starting college, I am so incredibly scared they are going to leave me. They’re going to find someone better and less emotionally chaotic to hang out with. Yes, we met at work and will work together, but they’ll be so tired from balancing it all to be fully present in any conversation we have at work. Plus, with the way things are going involving the new management, there’s no telling how long I’m going to be with the company.

You don’t know how much stuff is truly hidden until you start the position, but I shouldn’t get into it. It’s not so bad. It’s not Home Depot.

I digress.

Honestly, there’s no telling how long any of us will be with the company… or friends… or where we’re going.

I was excited for them to go back to school, but now I’m just scared.

Normally, I do fairly well with change, but this change is happening at a time when I’m still trying to get comfortable with the newness of these friendships. As someone with a fearful/avoidant attachment style, I’m a mess right now.

I’ve been trying so dang hard to hide it; it’s taking all my might to not shut down and push them away.

I’ll try my best to continue as normal without seeming like a clingy friend, but internally, my heart is racing with pure fear, panic, and anxiety.

One of my new friends talked about the future and the possibility of not knowing me in the future (yeah, that was a tough convo that had me in unshed tears). This is someone I vibe so well with, despite him not knowing a lot when it comes to mental health or being Black or being a woman, and I want to desperately call him my best friend. However, I don’t know where he’s at with that, and with him being weird about titles and such, there is no way I am going to ask him.

Both my brain and my heart are breaking with the idea of them both making new friends and completely ditching me.

This has contributed to the loneliness and life-stickiness I’ve been feeling recently. At this point, I’m anticipating the heartbreak, which I know my therapist would not like to hear.

My new friends are making new friends, and I don’t know how to handle it.