originally written: May 26, 2019
revamped: February 7, 2022
“Closeted” refers to most of my family and some of my friends, including a couple of close ones, not knowing this blog (and my podcast) exists.
A few of my friends are in college, and it’s kind of difficult saying I want to study with them when I’m mostly done with the education system; I say “mostly” because we never know if I’ll actually decide to go to grad school or get another bachelor’s degree or keep vibing through life. My “studying” would be working on my blog writings and podcast notes.
There’s a handful of friends who know what I’m doing on my laptop, and there’s a handful who don’t. I have no clue why I’m so vague about telling them.
When it comes to my friends, especially the close ones, I think I’m scared of being judged though I trust them (and giving trust is incredibly difficult for me so this is slightly a big deal).
It’s a weird thought for me to process and ponder.
With Simply Jamilah growing and getting more recognition (thank you, by the way), I want to share it with my family and close friends. At the same time, most of what I write on here I’ve never mentioned to my family and some of the aforementioned friends. It’s pretty much the digital version of my personality–the part they don’t see or hear about; I don’t know how they, especially my family, would react.
Also, I come from a very Christian family. I am a Christian, but some of my ideals are kind of different from those of my family. For example, a few of my Christian family members dislike marriages that are not strictly between two heterosexual people (please disregard the double negative); I, on the other hand, don’t care who marries who. This is my thinking: it’s not my life, so it’s not my business; all I can do is show anyone and everyone as much love as they’re willing to accept.
There’s also the inevitable financial talk that scares me. I can see the questions now: “How is this benefiting you financially?” (Good question). “How much is this costing you?” ($29.88 per month for SiteGround; maybe $100 per year for Elementor Pro?). “Can you afford this? How are you paying for this?” (Well, I’ve been working two jobs for quite some time now).
I have such an immense fear of their reaction and their questions; I’m not prepared for questions. Jeez Louise, I am for sure not ready for the questions.
I love everyone in my life, but I can count on my ten fingers the people who get to see all aspects of who I authentically am–the good, the bad, and the ugly. However, some of them don’t have a clue this platform exists, this digital documentation of my life & thoughts exists.
At the end of the day, it all comes down to fear. Fear of their reaction. Fear of being judged and ridiculed, especially by those aforementioned friends. Fear of having to shut it down because of disapproval.
I know I shouldn’t be afraid, but unfortunately, I am.
