As I state in every workout results writing, no matter how much I workout or attempt to eat clean, there is little change in my body.

Also, I don’t weigh myself nor keep up with the fat to muscle ratio or anything of the sort (to help with my insecurities and undiagnosed body dysmorphia), so there’s honestly no telling if my body has truly fluctuated over the year.

This year, I realized the way I think about my body needs help.

My body and I have a very unique relationship. I consistently worry about her and what will happen to her when I want to start trying for kids (waaaay down the line). I never feel like I’m the right size, like I’m unacceptable because something about my body doesn’t look… correct, I guess you could say.

As I finished therapy (simply because I moved, not because I wanted to), I realized how true my therapist’s words about healing are. The eighteen months I spent having mental breakdowns on comfortable couches and chairs were just the beginning of my healing journey, including the healing I need to do with my body. Filling her with more nutrients may be a good start.

Documenting my body over the year, though I totally fell off towards the end, has helped me appreciate the way my body consistently fluctuates. Over the course of filming the above video, I’ve learned that most of my insecurities lie within or stem from from my relationship with my body. Just the other day, I had to dig my nails into my skin to keep from crying in Off Broadway shoes because of the abnormality of my feet. They’re long, flat, and have tiny ankles that can’t grasp anything.

I can never say I hate my body because filling it with hatred instead of love will only cause further regression. Though, I will say I get incredibly frustrated with it and myself.

It was fun documenting how my body hardly changed over the course of the past twelve months, and I fully intend on doing it again next year. I also fully intend on treating her with a lot more respect and love.