Recently, I started drowning myself in guilt for the inconsistency of sharing my writings and providing my brain relief. I’ve been feeling like garbage for not being “on schedule” with publishing my thoughts, musings, and written expressions of my brain.

I know I’m more than capable of being a good writer (I say that in a confident way, not a cocky way). There is a desire in me to try harder and write in a way that is more authentic and accurate than fast and for the sake of pleasing the schedule–a schedule I created.

Quality over quantity, right?

Considering this is categorized as a personal blog (according to other blog articles about categorizing your blog/discovering your niche) and a simple way for me to document my life, I need to focus on pleasing myself when it comes to Simply Jamilah. There’s nothing wrong with thinking of my audience or trying to figure out my target audience or whatever the case may be. However, at the end of the day, as the creator, I want to create something I will happily stand by. I can’t do that if I’m rushing content.

My ultimate goal for this blog is to see it grow and evolve as I grow and evolve. In order to do that, I need to release the pressure I’m putting on myself and give myself permission to be inconsistent.

Recently, I’ve been reminding myself that I am allowed to live a little (literally just got off the phone with someone who loudly and heavily encouraged me to leave my apartment). At the same time, I am allowed to have sad days where I don’t want to get out of bed, where I want to cry every time someone speaks to me. I am allowed to have writer’s block and be in a creative funk; it happens to the best of us. I am allowed to go back and remove writings/articles/posts that no longer represent who I am.

I’ve had to tell myself it’s okay to step away from the screen and be in the moment, focus on the present. I won’t meet people and make memories and, honestly, have something to document if I spend my time forcing myself to write about something I am not one hundred percent passionate about instead of going out and enjoying my youth (even though I totally think I’ll be fun and hip in my sixties).

To be honest, I sometimes feel very discouraged with this blog and the overall lack of engagement/comments/social media outreach. I feel like a loser, a nobody, someone who tried to make her mark on the world but no one was paying attention in the first place. These thoughts have definitely aided in my inconsistency.

I need to give myself grace. The more I succumb to thoughts of guilt and self-pity, the more I relapse into the version of pre-therapy Jamilah (though I still need it, my eighteen months of therapy worked WONDERS).

There’s been a lot of cloudy days in my brain recently, but I can see the sun peeking through. If it takes inconsistency with this tiny corner of the internet I’ve created to see more of the sun and relieve the pressure, then I guess I need to keep resting.