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A Happy, Healthy 2024

I don’t want to spend another year feeling sorry for myself and showing those around me the pity I feel towards myself. I spent the second half of 2023 floating. Yes, I stuck to my word of eliminating expectations, but in the process, I let go of my health. Like, completely obliterated it.

Therefore, my word for 2024 is “health.” Now that I’ve moved into a home that provides a ton of sun and gives me the biggest serotonin boost, I need to focus on my wellbeing; I think it will bring more happiness and relief and peace to my life.

In focusing on health, I will focus on three areas: mental, physical, and emotional.

Mental

Honestly, I don’t know if I will ever get rid of my depression or decrease my anxiety (if that’s even possible), but I can at least do better with managing them. Speeding to McDonald’s for fries when life becomes too much? It needs to stop. If I don’t feel like rolling out of bed on the worst of days, I need to find a way to at least be useful while in the bed. Notice I said “useful,” not “productive.”

I think productivity culture screwed me over last year because I felt like I wasn’t being productive, no matter how hard I pushed myself or how late I stayed up. When I was around people I love and want to hang out with, part of me was thinking about how productive I could be instead of being around them. I kept thinking about the to do list that never seems to get done.

Besides going to therapy, I need to find other avenues of letting everything running on a loop in my brain out. Yes, the podcast definitely helps, but I can’t pick up the mic when I’m out with new acquaintances and begin to overthink about something I had just said or done. I need to find an immediate method to relieve my brain.

Physical

I stopped going to the gym. I stopped playing Just Dance. I stopped doing at home workouts. I stopped finding safe parks to go hiking or on outdoor walks. I stopped all of it—and I hate myself for it.

I could come up with a bunch of excuses, such as waking up at 4 am just to make it to work on time was too much, but at the end of the day, it’s all about what I make time for. Prioritizing my physical wellbeing is not something I made time for, but I know when I do, my mental health will see major improvement, including me feeling better about the way I look. Recently, and randomly, a few men have expressed how attractive I am, but when I look at my stomach during my moments of nakedness, I don’t feel anywhere near attractive.

Emotional

For some reason, I spent 2023 trying to fight tears, and I don’t know why. I stopped allowing myself to show emotion, and I don’t know if it’s because of the voice in my head saying “you’re an emotional mess”, “no one likes girls who are too emotional.” There is no reason for me not to cry. When situations arose when tears were necessary, I would say “Gross, I’m going to cry” and do everything I can to stop the impending tears.

The biggest thing I can do to better my emotional health is get rid of, if not at least lessen, my people pleasing tendencies. Yes, I love taking myself on self-dates, but there are moments when I literally don’t make small decisions for the sake of making the other person happy. I wanted mac & cheese from Chick-fil-a, and when the woman at the counter asked me what size, I said “You pick,” knowing I wanted a small. Like, who is that helping? These are the moments when the people pleasing and insecurities have to hit the door because picking a mac & cheese size or the number of ketchup packets I want do not warrant making another person happy. If anything, as a service worker, their goal is to make me happy, and maybe that’s the reason I prioritize their happiness.

Towards the end of last year, I found myself reverting back to old ways and taking on the weight of others’ problems. I was spending several days being unhappy without a reason, and it was affecting how I did my job. I need to keep pushing forward in figuring out, I guess, how much of an empath I should be.

With any decision I make this year, I need to determine if it benefits my mental, emotional, or physical health goals. If not, whatever that thing may be, it’s not for me.

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