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I Chopped All My Hair Off Again

And I am still struggling to accept the way I look with most of my hair gone.

Per every year around Valentine’s Day (for some reason), I had a break down. I don’t think I had a break down last year, but this year, the stresses of everything got to me. Although, as I’ve consistently thought about it, I think it was more of depression than stress… or maybe anxiety.

This year, there were several things that got to me. Uncertainty about my future. Homesickness. Financial stress. Unhappiness with my career. Feeling hideous about my appearance. Feeling behind with my passions. The weight of others’ problems on my shoulders. Anxious about the future because the latter half of gen z I am teaching are a special kind of difficult.

That’s just the beginning.

In an attempt to feel like I have some sort of control, to feel like I can fix my problems with one move, I went to a barber shop and asked the manager to cut all my hair off. Like everyone else, he noted how thick it was, which made me doubt my decision for the slightest second.

Then he turned the… clippers? on, and there was no going back.

Did cutting my hair off solve anything? No, but, again, there’s no going back.
Did I feel like I looked like a man? Yes; I thought it would make me more invisible but not invisible from the things that made me have a panic attack in the middle of a faculty meeting.
Do I regret it? No.
Did my already diminishing self-esteem take a hit? Yes, and I am learning how to cope.

Again, this was around the time of Valentine’s Day, which was [unbelievably] a month ago. Since then, I’ve gone back to the same barber shop (because I low key enjoy watching the barbers struggle to watch their mouths, which they feel they must do since I am a woman) and gotten my hair cut even shorter.

I took these pictures the morning after I cried myself to sleep, hence the painful bags under my eyes. It might not be obvious to many, but my eyes are coming down from being swollen.

Aesthetically, I felt better with it being cut shorter (literally asked the barber to do whatever he wants). However, my self-esteem has not gone up at all.

In fact, I’m more scared about establishing a different career because what if a company sees my short hair and wants nothing to do with me? I would be incredibly heartbroken if the thing standing between me and a job I really want, and think I’ll enjoy, is the cut of my hair.

To make it worse, I thought cutting it short would help with recovering the curl pattern I lost (thank you heat damage caused by the desire to look like Edna Mode), but I don’t remember what my curl pattern is. I also thought it would help with my dry scalp/progressively-getting-bad dandruff problem, but it is not. Actually, the barber told me I need to get my pH levels checked at the doctor and buy my shampoo based on that.

Long story short, I cut my hair off again because I am going through what feels like another crisis (because college was definitely a crisis/cause for cutting my hair), and I don’t know how to cope with all that life/my mental state is throwing at me.

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