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If I’m So Special…

People love to tell me how beautiful, intelligent, special I am. Though I don’t show it and have a very hard time accepting compliments, I truly do appreciate them. A couple of people have even said they’re not compliments, “they’re facts.”

If me being a beautiful, intelligent, special woman is a fact, why am I struggling so much? Life is kicking my butt, and I don’t feel special. I don’t feel like all the great things people tell me that are “facts.”

Yes, I’ve lived a decently good life. The memories I’ve made will stay with me forever, and I already feel so accomplished, being halfway through my 20s.

However, when there is a whole lot of bad happening, my brain easily forgets the good, beautiful, big moments that happen.

Which brings me back to:

If I’m such a special being, why can’t I find and secure a job? Rejection after rejection after rejection completely destroys my self-esteem and confidence, especially given the current time crunch I am under. I yearn for stability and a career that suits my needs without sucking the life and creativity out of me. Jobs are asking for people with the minimum qualification of a high school diploma, yet me having a degree, various academic awards, and experience in a professional environment makes me unqualified???

If I’m “destined for great things,” why can’t I take my passion projects from passion projects to a successful second source of income? Why can’t I bring my ideas into fruition? I can use the excuse of not having enough time like everyone else, but life is what you make time for. Am I so defeated by life that I refuse to make time for things that could help my overall levels of joy?

If I’m a wonderful person, why do I struggle with making friends? Yes, “stranger danger” consistently flows through my head, and my trust issues and I are on high alert when talking with people for the first time. However, why are the only new friends I’ve made friendships that weigh me down and bring nothing but mess, depression, dread to my life? I have yet to meet my certified squad that will be there at the click of the button.

Yes, I keep moving around and am incredibly unsettled, but moving around makes it easy to say goodbye to those who do not positively impact my life. Once I settle down and figure it out, what will happen then?

If all these things are supposedly facts, why do I struggle with finding the energy to get out of bed every morning, let alone with a smile? Why do I feel like I’m not contributing enough and showing up enough in other people’s lives? Why do I struggle so much with taking care of myself, with putting more effort into my hygiene and the overall care of my physical being?

Is that the result of depression? Or am I just being dragged through the mud by life? Are those the same thing?

If I am phenomenal, why aren’t men attracted to me? Why can’t I get one baby step closer to finding my life partner? I know I’m young, but the people I want to be there to witness my holy matrimony are getting older. Will I have a chance to say “I Do” before I have to say “Goodbye forever” to the physical beings of the family I love?

Why? Why? Why?

All these thoughts and questions are the reasons I consistently cry.

Being told all these compliments almost feel like a lie because every opportunity I get—chance I take—I am reminded by my circumstances that I am a blob floating in the world and struggling alone. For fear of owing people and not wanting to pass on my problems, I am a locked box deserted on a shelf.

Someone, an older (almost Boomer status) someone, once told me not asking for help is a result of pride. In actuality, it is a trauma response [that I will eventually work through with a professional]. I refuse to let people who haven’t experienced my childhood and mental health problems tell me about my [poor] habits.

Maybe all of these questions and thoughts are just growing pains…

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